Contemplating Looking Stupid

I quit smoking ten years ago.  It was my second time quitting, and it was really tough. The past few months I have been struggling.  My boyfriend smokes, and though he smokes in the garage or outside, I still feel the pressure.  Luckily, I can say he hasn’t pressured me once.

But I have smoked.  I can count on one hand how many times I have slipped, and it is way too much.  Each day I can feel the urge, and I am at a crossroads right now.

I really don’t know what to do.  I cannot deny the urge to smoke that is slowly growing ever stronger within me.  I despise it.  I am at my weakest point right now, due to many changes; not that the changes were bad per se, but stressful either way.

I am contemplating looking stupid.  I am thinking about purchasing a Blu e-cigarette pack and I am wondering if it would stave off the urge to pick up a real cigarette.  I know that they aren’t completely free of chemicals; but this urge is getting worse and worse and quite honestly I have enough going on that I simply cannot stand another stressor in my life.

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It’s Getting Real Now

There is a bike in my garage that has my name on it. Sort of.  I found a sweet Harley Sportster 1200 Custom and except for the fact that the previous owner hadn’t started it in 7 years, it is cherry.  I have signed up for my lessons, and in a month I will be nervously maneuvering a little bike in order to ride mine.

Now that shit is getting real, I am worried that someone will clip me with their car and then I will lose a leg.  I need to do this; I have been scared of so many things in my life, and I need to get over it.  I just happened to pick a damn dangerous thing to do.  Sure as hell beats skydiving or base jumping so I guess it isn’t that awful.  So I am going to get the best protection that I can, and that’s it.  I have a great helmet, I have upper body protection, I have a nice pair of chaps that I need to get altered, a pair of leather gloves, and all I need now is a good pair of boots.

I am not going to let anyone push me.  The fact that I am getting on a MC and that I am going to hit the road should be enough right now.  However, I am dying to let loose and put everything behind me, literally.  I am looking forward to screaming down the road, not worrying or thinking about anything else, just keeping my shit together on my bike.

And that’s why I am anxious. I so badly want to be the biker I know that I already am, at least in spirit. I must not allow the fear to creep in and take up residence in my heart.

17 Reasons Why You’re Always Restless In Relationships

I found this article somewhere on here. I am not a person who gets restless in relationships, but I found this article interesting. Let me know your thoughts!

Thought Catalog

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1. You’re the one who loves less, but it’s not because you have less love to give. It’s that you’re scared to give too much of yourself. When someone is okay with loving you at your worst, it makes you feel like you owe them more than you can give. You’re torn between appreciation and running away before you’re bound to that person’s support.

2. You prefer to figure out problems on your own, instead of letting another person weigh in. You feel like bringing up your shit constantly is a burden, so you keep it to yourself and work through your challenges on your own.

3. You struggle to be satisfied in the present. You like the chase too much, but find post chase “bliss” anticlimactic.

4. Something you’ve come to expect out of relationships is that they end. Often badly. When you’ve become accustomed to things going…

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HOLY HATE FEST BATMAN! A Second Look At The “Dawn of Justice” Trailer

Funk's House of Geekery

BVS 1

Like many superhero fans I hold Batman and Superman in high regard.

Batman has been and always will be, my favorite superhero.  As elaborate and sometimes fantastic as his tales have been, Batman’s story always seemed the most realistic to me.  A young boy sees the tragic death of his parents right in front of his eyes and is inspired to fight crime.  Granted this is on a grand level and it helps to be a billionaire, but many a police officer and federal agent have experienced similar tragedies that led them to law enforcement.  Additionally, he’s a superhero without super powers.  He relies solely on his intelligence, detective skills, and mastery of body and mind.   Batman is also a character that recognizes that in order to bring criminals to justice sometimes you have to work outside of the law.

On the other end we have the Man of Steel.  Other than…

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You Go To The Beach Because You Are Stupid

The Tyranny of Tradition

The Beach:  America's Garbage Can The Beach: America’s Garbage Can

Summer is just around the corner, which means a bunch of mindless automatons (often referred to derisively as Americans) will be burning their feet on scorching hot sand and wallowing in polluted, filthy water in order to have what the kids today call “fun”. The hotter it gets, the more people crowd into these mini-hells in order to soak up as much skin cancer as they can. Beaches are like giant moron magnets.

The beach is the single worst place in the world. Every last one of them. When I was a kid, we’d occasionally go to Jones Beach. If you got there by about 5 AM, you’d be one of the lucky people who go to get into Beach 6. It was everyone’s favorite because it was a short walk to the water. If you were any later than that, you’d stumble through a…

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Does Zack Snyder Think We’re Stupid? A Look at the ‘Dawn of Justice’ Trailer

Funk's House of Geekery

A couple of years ago the teaser trailer forMan of Steel hit the internet and I wrote a feature about why it didn’t look very good. People were unhappy with this assessment, insisting that it was, in fact, going to be a good movie and that I shouldn’t judge it until I see it.

Let’s put aside the obvious – namely that they hadn’t seen the movie either and I was judging the trailer, not the movie – so I can say this: I WAS RIGHT.

Man of Steel was, at best, mediocre. It was mishandled, needlessly moody, confused and…well, the action was amazing, but it was pretty forgettable in this era of non-stop big screen superhero shenanigans. It did make enough dosh for the studio to green light the sequel -Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – and a bajillion spin offs. The teaser trailer rolled…

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Haunted

I have been struggling to figure out a way to blog this and for it to make sense to you, the reader; hopefully I have formulated it in such a way that it does now.

The other day my boyfriend and I were heading home and as we pulled into the driveway, he kindly popped out and gathered the mail.  I frequently order online, so I get packages pretty often and lo and behold there was a parcel in his hands.  He wanted to open it and normally I would not mind; my stuff is no secret, I hide nothing from him; but I balked.  He was so excited to open a package that he did not recognize my hesitation and proceeded to open it, much to my embarrassment.  He commented on how much he liked the motorcycle charm and that he liked this very much, probably one of his favorite pieces of my jewelry.  To be honest, who has a man in their life that would say something like that?  If my mind hadn’t been so clouded by anxiety, I would have taken the time right at that moment to appreciate how wonderful my man is.  But instead, I stressed.  My ex, as well as a family member or two, have always been critical of my spending habits. I would cringe every time one of them noticed a new piece and then would proceed to interrogate me; how can I afford this? Don’t I have enough? How much did it cost?  I would react defensively and over the years I have grown accustomed to feeling uncomfortable revealing my spending habits.  I have two fellow jewelry fiends who I chat with on a regular basis and its such a relief to “talk shop” without judgement.  I am not going to lie; I am a spendthrift.  I know that it is considered an unattractive personality trait by the public, but I love jewelry, and I like to spend money on it (though, this is going to change since I can tell I am reaching the end… I have a future REAL motorcycle to save up for now).

So back to the other day.  When he went to open my package, I cringed, waiting for the inevitable criticism.  It never came, because he is awesome.  But after he had opened my package, he noticed my demeanor and we talked about it.  I felt awful talking about it because he didn’t do anything wrong; I would never compare him to any of my exes.  But, from his perspective, I could see how it looks like a comparison.  I swear it isn’t.  When you are used to living your life in a certain way for many years and then it changes for the better, regardless of how much you are glad that the old way is in the past… I guess the best way that I can explain it is that it is like a haunting… Pale apparitions of your former life that need to be exorcised.

My boyfriend is nothing like anyone that I have ever known before.  It is fucking incredible.  I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.  Yet there are times that I am terrified that my insecurities that haunt me will interfere with the happiness that I have now.  It is up to me to put these ghosts where they belong; in the past.  I work on this everyday.  I do a lot of self-talk; it seems to be the most effective, and I am happy to report that it quells my insecurities pretty well.  On those days that it doesn’t however, it is nice to know that I can talk about it.

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