Even though i had a clear the air session with my boss today, i am still looking for a job.  i don’t like working here.  its just more bearable now until i find another gig.

Master and Servant by Depeche Mode

Theres a new game
We like to play you see
A game with added reality
You treat me like a dog
Get me down on my knees

We call it master and servant
We call it master and servant

Its a lot like life
This play between the sheets
With you on top and me underneath
Forget all about equality

Lets play master and servant
Lets play master and servant

Its a lot like life
And thats whats appealing
If you despise that throwaway feeling
From disposable fun
Then this is the one

Dominations the name of the game
In bed or in life
Theyre both just the same
Except in one youre fulfilled
At the end of the day

Lets play master and servant
Lets play master and servant

Lets play master and servant
Come on, master and servant


maybe i can tell you

i wish that i could describe how this day is making me feel to you.   the only thing marring it is the wafting smell of the bananas that i brought with me into work today as part of my lunch.  i have already alleviated that problem.  outside is different.  there are clouds obscuring the sun.  a brisk wind whipped around my skirt today as i walked across the street to open the shop.  the first thing i smelled when i set foot outside of my home today was a fire.  and it smelled so good.  i didn’t care at that moment why i could smell the smoke.  it made me think of coziness, and i loved that.  i am wearing my bigger collar today, and the fur on the inside is keeping my neck snuggly.  i like snuggly.  i am thinking of pumpkins and pie and raking up leaves.  good thoughts.  happy thoughts.  i am wearing my favorite velevt jacket.  i hear planes droning overhead, as i have the door open to the shop.  it’s a good day.

sad but true

went to a new age expo.  i had a booth there…  what can i say?  as much as i am into this stuff, i realize that they remind me of a certain type of people; druggies.  they do.  they use something from the outside to try to make the inside feel better.  they think that crystals alone will solve all of their problems.  or, that getting a $35 pic is going to tell them what their aura looks like.  i believe in crystals.  i believe in tarot cards.  i am a witch, for crying out loud!  but, crystals and incense and all that are mere enhancements to my life.  i still need to get myself up and keep my job and pay the bills!  a crystal can help me with gaining confidence, but it’s not going to get me a job.  sorry folks.  the type of people that attend these expos is also what alerted me to the fact that maybe i am better off getting a job somewhere else.  i don’t want to be lumped in with these people.  they are really problematic.  i feel kinda bad saying this, because as i am typing this it sounds like i am a snob, but you have to see it to believe it.  this was my 3rd festival/expo attendance this year, and the message is coming through loud and clear. 

just trying to put things back where they belong

i re-read my boyfriend’s entires from months ago, and i wonder if he still feels the same way…  i guess i thought if i re-read his entries, i would gain some fresh insight into our relationship and what’s going on within it.   i have put alot into this relationship, but it hasn’t been enough of the right things.  i need to work harder at it.   
i thought that when we first flew over here to look at houses that things were going well.  i thought that when we moved here, that we were okay.
because of things that have happened, we have seen the ugliest sides of each other. 
so i think that now his ex has made her closure, that we can move forward.  but now, i no longer know.  i was wrong all those times before.  has he moved on?  has he moved forward? 
i think that the best way that i can help is to do my own thing.  to let him do what he needs to do.  if he wants to be with me, he will be with me.  i need to work on me.  by working on me and making myself the best person that i can be, he will want to be with me because i will be myself and i will be happy. 
i think that will work!

Resist Romantic Propaganda

(i found this article and i really like what is said.  i feel that i am one of those people that believes in romantic propaganda, so this really gave me some much needed insight.  i thought that someone out there might also gain something from this, so that’s why i typed it up in its entirety here for you.)
My live-in boyfriend and i broke up and i had to move back to my parent’s house.  i still love him and he says he still loves me.  we had many issues but tried to make the relationship work.  the last time i talkd to him (after the breakup) he said, "nothing is permanent.  who knows?  maybe this is good for us.  maybe one day we can get back together once we resolve our individual issues."  that conversation confused me.  it gave me hope but that hope make sit difficult to get over the breakup.  i keep thinking about us together again in the future.  neither of us seems strong enough to end it.  how do i get over my very broken heart?  are there any books that can help?  how do i love me again and take care of me?
if you stopped loving and taking care of yourself during the relationship, resolve now not to take that path again.  although a healthy commitment requiresa dos eof selflessness, you should never dispense with self-care or self-love.  the trouble, of course, is that too many people believe in romantic propaganda.  you know, lyrics like or lines like, "you are my everything" or "i can’t live without you."  as a result, these people make the romance the center of their lives, instead of one of its favored components.  then every breakup spins them into another abyss because they believe that they have lost their center or reason for living.  after the grieving that is normal in any loss, they have to reconstruct a new focus in their life.  but if they had been investing all along in their own interests, friends, and future, as well as the life of their relationship, the transition into their new single life would be easier.   comprenede?
the best way to get over a broken heart is very slowly.  this is not the time to be hitting the the clubs or dallying in the internet chat rooms searching for a ne wlove.  no, this lull after the storm is for reflection.  write an honest inventory of yourself: what changes do you need to make in your personality to allow you to be the kind of friend, partner and person you admire?  after you integrate new attitudes and behaviours into your life, you will develop a truer awareness of the partner who is perfect for you.  at that point, it will be clear whether your ex-boyfriend is that man or not.  you will no longer be swayed by the possibility of getting back together if doing so will only cause you to relive the unresolved chaos in the relationship.  you will learn to savor the love shared with him but accept that it’s possible to love someone without that person being the right partner for you.  these transformations are possible because self-love always propels you toward a saner evolution.  a book like david richo’s how to be an adult in relationships: the five keys to mindful loving can help.  a warning though: it’s deep.  so it requiresa genuine willingness to understand yourself and change.
one last thing: finances.  it’s important to save money, even if you can only afford a small amount out of each paycheck.  even putting $10 or $20 aside each week is worthwhile.  it’s another way of practicing self-care and when done well, it can enhance your freedom.  for example, if you need to leave a living situation or job, you have the means to do so.  otherwise, you are likely to remain in relationships and jobs longer than necessary in an attempt to avoid having to do things like move back home with your parents. 

i don’t know what to do

i really don’t. 

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