Dear Thunder…

Dear Thunder:
I love you.  I hope that you understand why I made the decision that I did today.  I could see that you were suffering, and I didn’t want that to continue.  I love you so much. 
Do you remember the first day we were together?  I do.  It was New Years Day, 1994.  There was snow on the ground, and you were sporting a royal blue collar that the shelter gave you, with a matching leash.  When we got home and out of the car, you somehow slipped out of your collar, and at first I thought that you were going to run off, but you didn’t.  You were darting, playfully, back and forth, trying to get me to chase you to play.  You always did love the snow. 
You have lived in the states of New York, New Jersey, and California.  You have made friends with everyone, from people to a ferret.  You loved to play with everyone, and was never aggressive to anyone.  I took you everywhere I could.  Crazy people would secretly feed you hamburgers and hot dogs when I wasn’t looking.  I have taken you to parties.  I have sneaked you into a hotel room by popping you through the window.  You have stood in a river.  You would always hang out with me at pretty much every job I ever held.  We have slept in a car together when we had no place to live.
I decided to get a private cremation, Thunder.  Soon, though your soul won’t be in them, I am going to get your ashes in a beautiful box with a plaque bearing your name.  I kept your collar too.  I didn’t think you would mind. 
I am going to miss you so much.  No dog can ever replace you.  Maggie misses you too by the way.  Heh.  I bet THAT surprised you, right?  Well, it’s true.  Frank misses you too.  But you already knew that.  If it wasn’t for you, I would have never met him.  Remember when he said that to you?  It’s true. 
I MISS YOU. 
Your loyal friend,
Melinda
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The Perfect Drug by NIN

I got my head, but my head is unraveling
Cant keep control, cant keep track of where its traveling
I got my heart but my heart is no good
And youre the only one thats understood
I come along but I dont know where youre taking me
I shouldnt go but youre reaching back and shaking me
Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you, the more I die

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you

You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug

You make me hard, when Im all soft inside
I see the truth, when Im all stupid eyed
The arrow goes straight through my heart
Without you everything just falls apart

My blood wants to say hello to you
My feelings want to get inside of you
My soul is so afraid to realize
Every little word is a lack of me

And I want you
And I want you
And I want you
And I want you

You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
(whispering)
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
You are the perfect drug, the drug, the perfect drug

Take me, with you
Take me, with you
Take me, with you
(continues in backround)
Without you, without you everything falls apart
Without you, its not as much fun to pick up the pieces
Without you, without you everything falls apart
Without you, its not as much fun to pick up the pieces
Its not as much fun to pick up the pieces
Its not as much fun to pick up the pieces
Without you, without you everything falls apart
Without you, its not as much fun to pick up the pieces

Pictures Of You by The Cure

I’ve been looking so long at these
Pictures of
You that i almost believe that they’re real
i’ve Been living so long with my pictures of you that
I almost believe that the pictures are all i can
Feel
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as
I ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as
The sky fell in holding you close how i always
Held close in your fear remembering you
Running soft through the night you were bigger
And brighter and wider than snow and
Screamed at the make-believe screamed at the
Sky and you finally found all your courage to
Let it all go

Remembering you fallen into my arms crying
For the death of your heart you were stone
White so delicate lost in the cold you were
Always so lost in the dark remembering you
How you used to be slow drowned you were
Angels so much more than everything oh hold
For the last time then slip away quietly open
My eyes but i never see anything

If only i had thought of the right words i could
Have hold on to your heart if only i’d thought of
The right words i wouldn’t be breaking apart all
My pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you but i
Never hold on to your heart looking so long for
The words to be true but always just breaking
Apart my pictures of you

There was nothing in the world that i ever
Wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world that i ever
Wanted more than to never feel the breaking
Apart all my pictures of you

About my birthday

I had a very happy birthday yesterday.  🙂

Yesterday

So I accidentally ate some chicken yesterday.  I was at work, and they were serving enchiladas.  Even though they were clearly marked ‘cheese’ and ‘chicken’, they must have mismarked them.  I was sitting there eating it, and I just sensed like it didn’t taste right.  I checked it, and sure enough, there was shredded chicken!  I told the caterers what had happened, and informed them that I am a vegetarian, and that they should really check their labels more carefully.  I am glad that I said it calmly.  I went outside and I cried because I was so upset.  Not like bawling, but a few tears.  I haven’t eaten animal flesh in years.  I am also working on completely eliminating leather from my wardrobe as well.  I actually called my mom yesterday, because she is the only person that I could think of that is even close to being a vegetarian.  So, she really cheered me up!  At the end of our conversation, she said something like, ‘Why don’t you say a prayer or something for the little chicky that you are sorry that you ate it’ something like that, and it was so sweet. I really appreciated her trying to cheer me up.  We ended up talking about it and swapping stories of similar incidences for a few minutes.  I guess my mom isn’t so bad.  🙂
So, lesson learned: when in doubt, eat just the rice and beans. 

Weaning myself off…

Wow now I feel alot better!  I just cancelled 3 sites I belonged to, and I took a 4th site that just doesn’t seem to want to cancel and converted it to a site to promote Ocean Muse.  Phew!

a negative blog entry

I don’t know why, but I have alot of bad thoughts lurking in my mind. 
(sigh)

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