Thursday night.

Hm.  Before I had to go to work today, I freaked out.  Yelling, getting angry with every inanimate object in my way, scaring the crap out of Frank.  I don’t really know how it escalated so quickly and with such venom.  I fucking hate it.  By the time I made it into work, I felt numb.  It’s like, one moment I was screaming, literally just screaming in my car, and then the next, I am standing blankly at my register, fiddling with my apron.  Sigh.  I figured out that this is a very long delayed reaction to what happened years ago.  Wow.  It has been that long.  And all this time, I squashed it.  So, I am relieved that I can at least know where it is coming from.  I guess it just has to happen. 
In other news, I am going to have a talk with Craig tomorrow.  I pretty much screwed up whatever rekindled friendship there was, according to him.  So, I don’t see it being too much of a talk.  Whatever.  I just want some closure on the issue so that I can either push it away, or who knows… maybe he will see that I am going through alot of shit, and his reappearance was just really bad timing and maybe he will be sympathetic to that.  We’ll see.  At this point, I don’t want to be bothered. 
So tomorrow, I am going to spend the day alone.  I have plans to wrap up a few things, to hang out in Sacramento… 
I just need to take the first steps towards making myself someone I would respect. 
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