Loss of things, such as perspective

I have heard it too many times.  I mean, who really knows anyone nowadays?  Who even knows themselves?  I would like to think I do, but is that true?

With Facebook and Twitter and all that other social media shit out there you can tailor your social media self any way that you see fit.  In reality, that doesn’t really work quite as well.

Is the real reason why I am not succeeding at anything since I moved to California because of me?  I know that it has been said more than once, but ever since I moved here, every single aspect of my life failed.  Every single one.  Oh and my dog died, to add insult to injury.  I only have my car to remind me of anything, and I only had that for less than a year before I drove out here to meet my demise of my social self.

I am obsessed, as told to me by others, with Tiffany’s.  You know why?  I just figured it out on my drive home from work tonight.  I can buy myself something pretty, and it makes me happy.  Reminds me of NYC.  I have control over getting something pretty and shiny.  It is the one of the few things that makes me happy.  It is materialistic, but only on the surface and only to those that don’t give a shit.  It means much more to me than that.

Sorry to say, but I was WAY happier in NJ.  And I am waiting to go back.  At least I will have NYC, I will have the ocean be much closer than 2 fucking hours, I will have part of what I left behind, I will have blueberry coffee from 7-11 with french vanilla creamer with my sister and talk about the day.

They say that no matter where you go, you take yourself with you.  That is true.  But you fit better in some places than others.  And… I do not fit here.  I have been skimming the surface, with no experience of what lies beneath.  And try as I might, I can’t break through.

And I am tired of trying because I have a feeling that it isn’t going to fit me anyway.  I need to stop running off, thinking that I can find something better than my hometown.  I really can’t.  I love the snooty WASPs, the bagels, the thunderstorms, the fireflies… I really have missed the fireflies.

I will not find a cure for my ills in NJ.  But I can look at NJ with different eyes.  Maybe I will see what I have been trying to find everywhere else.  Maybe I will find myself again.

Thinking about bleaching my hair blonde.  Gotta hide those grays better.


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