Goddamnit

It was definitely the MUNI that put me over the edge today, but seriously.  I have this new job, I have been working here for almost two months, and my anxiety is through the roof.  Why?  Yes, it is a new job, I get that.  But seriously.  Is my self confidence that low?  I think it is.  I mean, why am I intimidated by this?

Because, it is a popularity contest, and I NEVER win those.  EVER.  For as long as I can remember, I have never fit in.  It has gotten me into a lot of fights, a lot of frustrated afternoons and still left with more questions than answers.  I am smart. I work reasonably hard.  But I am not like them and I never will be.  Even if I tried, it would go against my nature that I would most likely puke in the bathroom everyday in order to feel normal.

I am the one that wears too much black, that hates Top 40, that much rather read a book then go get wasted.  I don’t want to hang out with my coworkers; I think its bloody unprofessional and yet it is rampant.  I don’t get the jokes because I don’t listen to Beyonce.  I don’t get any jokes.

I mean, I can do a great job.  But that doesn’t matter.  If I need to leave a note for a peer, it has to be filled with hearts and too many exclamation points.  Can’t I write a normal fucking note?  Why does it have to look like a 5 year old wrote it?  Oh that’s right; lets not be “harsh”.  Jeez.  I gotta tell you; California is making me soft and I HATE IT.  If not for anything else, I want to move back to the East Coast so that I can write a note from one adult to another.

I just need to find a way to make it work.  I am at a total loss.  Hopefully I will figure it out.  But for now, I am going to do my damnedest to quell the anxiety because if I am going to get fired, shit at least I don’t want to be all squirmy with fear over a bunch of sheep.  I am just going to be who I am and let the cards fall where they may.

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