Haunted

I have been struggling to figure out a way to blog this and for it to make sense to you, the reader; hopefully I have formulated it in such a way that it does now.

The other day my boyfriend and I were heading home and as we pulled into the driveway, he kindly popped out and gathered the mail.  I frequently order online, so I get packages pretty often and lo and behold there was a parcel in his hands.  He wanted to open it and normally I would not mind; my stuff is no secret, I hide nothing from him; but I balked.  He was so excited to open a package that he did not recognize my hesitation and proceeded to open it, much to my embarrassment.  He commented on how much he liked the motorcycle charm and that he liked this very much, probably one of his favorite pieces of my jewelry.  To be honest, who has a man in their life that would say something like that?  If my mind hadn’t been so clouded by anxiety, I would have taken the time right at that moment to appreciate how wonderful my man is.  But instead, I stressed.  My ex, as well as a family member or two, have always been critical of my spending habits. I would cringe every time one of them noticed a new piece and then would proceed to interrogate me; how can I afford this? Don’t I have enough? How much did it cost?  I would react defensively and over the years I have grown accustomed to feeling uncomfortable revealing my spending habits.  I have two fellow jewelry fiends who I chat with on a regular basis and its such a relief to “talk shop” without judgement.  I am not going to lie; I am a spendthrift.  I know that it is considered an unattractive personality trait by the public, but I love jewelry, and I like to spend money on it (though, this is going to change since I can tell I am reaching the end… I have a future REAL motorcycle to save up for now).

So back to the other day.  When he went to open my package, I cringed, waiting for the inevitable criticism.  It never came, because he is awesome.  But after he had opened my package, he noticed my demeanor and we talked about it.  I felt awful talking about it because he didn’t do anything wrong; I would never compare him to any of my exes.  But, from his perspective, I could see how it looks like a comparison.  I swear it isn’t.  When you are used to living your life in a certain way for many years and then it changes for the better, regardless of how much you are glad that the old way is in the past… I guess the best way that I can explain it is that it is like a haunting… Pale apparitions of your former life that need to be exorcised.

My boyfriend is nothing like anyone that I have ever known before.  It is fucking incredible.  I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.  Yet there are times that I am terrified that my insecurities that haunt me will interfere with the happiness that I have now.  It is up to me to put these ghosts where they belong; in the past.  I work on this everyday.  I do a lot of self-talk; it seems to be the most effective, and I am happy to report that it quells my insecurities pretty well.  On those days that it doesn’t however, it is nice to know that I can talk about it.

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