Contemplating Looking Stupid

I quit smoking ten years ago.  It was my second time quitting, and it was really tough. The past few months I have been struggling.  My boyfriend smokes, and though he smokes in the garage or outside, I still feel the pressure.  Luckily, I can say he hasn’t pressured me once.

But I have smoked.  I can count on one hand how many times I have slipped, and it is way too much.  Each day I can feel the urge, and I am at a crossroads right now.

I really don’t know what to do.  I cannot deny the urge to smoke that is slowly growing ever stronger within me.  I despise it.  I am at my weakest point right now, due to many changes; not that the changes were bad per se, but stressful either way.

I am contemplating looking stupid.  I am thinking about purchasing a Blu e-cigarette pack and I am wondering if it would stave off the urge to pick up a real cigarette.  I know that they aren’t completely free of chemicals; but this urge is getting worse and worse and quite honestly I have enough going on that I simply cannot stand another stressor in my life.

It’s Getting Real Now

There is a bike in my garage that has my name on it. Sort of.  I found a sweet Harley Sportster 1200 Custom and except for the fact that the previous owner hadn’t started it in 7 years, it is cherry.  I have signed up for my lessons, and in a month I will be nervously maneuvering a little bike in order to ride mine.

Now that shit is getting real, I am worried that someone will clip me with their car and then I will lose a leg.  I need to do this; I have been scared of so many things in my life, and I need to get over it.  I just happened to pick a damn dangerous thing to do.  Sure as hell beats skydiving or base jumping so I guess it isn’t that awful.  So I am going to get the best protection that I can, and that’s it.  I have a great helmet, I have upper body protection, I have a nice pair of chaps that I need to get altered, a pair of leather gloves, and all I need now is a good pair of boots.

I am not going to let anyone push me.  The fact that I am getting on a MC and that I am going to hit the road should be enough right now.  However, I am dying to let loose and put everything behind me, literally.  I am looking forward to screaming down the road, not worrying or thinking about anything else, just keeping my shit together on my bike.

And that’s why I am anxious. I so badly want to be the biker I know that I already am, at least in spirit. I must not allow the fear to creep in and take up residence in my heart.