Last blog of 2014

I don’t really give a fuck this year.  I didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving with anyone, nor Christmas, and with New Years Eve upon us I am not celebrating with anyone this day either.  I don’t care.  A lot of crazy shit has happened this year, and I am realizing that I no longer want to spend time with people that don’t respect me.

In less than 5 days, I will be back in NJ.  Permanently.  I am abandoning my apartment that I moved into for the “big job” back in August.  I have my house on the market.  I broke up with Frank, much to his confusion.  I will be working my last day at Alex and Ani tomorrow.  Everything I care about in the material sense is shipped out already.  My car is set to be picked up and then carted across the U.S. on Friday.  I finalize my apartment on Saturday.  I fly out on midnight Sunday.

I have a place already rented out. I hope that I can find a job relatively soon, though to be honest I am going to take a little time off to relax and think about shit.  I turn 40 in February; I would like to celebrate that with a clear head and heart.

I am not going to give a tearful goodbye to California.  Nope.  I am just going to go, no theatrics, no grand exit.  Just heading home, long time overdue.

Having a Cocktail at the Habit in San Francisco.

Just got my ass handed to me by a woman named Amanda.  And I paid her to do it.  It was my first brazilian, and though it hurt more than any tattoo I have ever gotten, I will go back again and again.  I have been assured that it will hurt less and less.  It hurt.  ALOT.  But not enough for me to never go back.  I am tired of shaving myself and having it look like a badly plucked chicken.  It’s not that attractive in the first place.  But today, as I exited the place and slowly walked to the bus stop, I felt good about myself.  I finally did it and though it hurt like hell, it wasn’t the end of the world and I hope that in time it will hurt less.  If it doesn’t I may not return.  We will see.

Keeping Promises

It takes work to undo the habits of being overly negative.  This is a statement that I am all too aware of.  I find myself actively pushing against the negative thought patterns that seep into my brain.  I need to shift my perception of what I consider negative and re-evaluate.  The bottom line is, I don’t like being coached at work.  I hate it.  Especially when it come from someone that I don’t know that well and am not sure of their managerial qualifications.  But it wasn’t coming from a bad place.  I have to remember that the intentions are good.

Though isn’t it said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions?

Distraction is good, it works for awhile, but I should try to remember what distraction is best for; calming down and rethinking my options.  Distraction is not meant to be a fix it all.  Eventually, one must return to the issue at hand that caused them to seek distraction elsewhere.  Otherwise, there is going to be quite a huge, monstrous issue waiting for you whenever you do decide to revisit it.

Today I will engage in mindful distraction.  I will utilize it in order to give my mind a rest from the stress that I have caused it.

For once I will keep a promise to myself.

Positive Memory Maker

Just got off of Skype with my boyfriend, and I realized that I find it terribly difficult to come up with positive memories of anything I have done since I moved to California back in February of 2006.  I seem to have a lot of positive memories from the East Coast…  So I am going to come up with some right now, and hopefully I will come up with some more in the near future.

1. spending 4th of July holidays with my friend Chrissy and her friends and family

2. my first year of working at Starbucks

3. getting my wings tattooed on my back with Ilana

4. all the indy coffee shops in Sacramento

5. my trip to L.A. when I met the Fishers

6. Ryan and I going to see Danzig with the Fishers in San Francisco

7. Exchanging Love bracelets with Frank

8. becoming the assistant manager for Alex and Ani in San Francisco

9. discovering Trollbeads and my jewelry partner in crime, Jess

10. the margherita pizza at Pizza Rock

11. watching White Christmas at the Crest theatre with Catherine and Frank

12. celebrating Jamie’s birthday in San Francisco

13. lambstravaganza with Frank, Becky, and Gilbert

#whole30 day 18

Just chugging along with this whole30. I think I feel better, well, I know I do because there is no issue around food. I don’t feel guilty for eating a coffee cake at work; I don’t frantically scan the calorie count of anything. I just eat food. Granted, there is alot more prep work. I have to cook 99% of my meals. I don’t like eating pork sausage for breakfast, or eggs for that matter. If my body doesn’t react to it, I would like to go back to greek yogurt with fruit, or hell, blend it in my vitamix. I am looking forward to coffee again, but this time with cream and sugar. I have been drinking tea since I tried coffee black and that was a no-go. Tea has been holding me over but yep as sonas I can back to my creamy sweet coffee.
And that’s about it. Otherwise, I am going to keep up this whole30 for as long as possible. I like it. I know that in the long run, this is worth it and that cupcake isn’t.
Maybe I will buy a cupcake charm for my Tiffany bracelet to remind me 😉

a damn tv show

I stumbled across the HBO series titled True Detective.  It has Woody Harrelson, whom I admire.  It also starrs Matthew McConaughey, who has never acted in anything I have ever liked.  Quite frankly, I considered Mr. M an idiot.  This prevented me from watching it, because Mr. M, in my mind, would have bungled the entire series, much to my chagrin but to the mundane’s delight.

I was wrong. 

So, so wrong.

Mr. M plays the character of Rustin Cohle, and Woody plays the character of Martin Hart.  For more detail, here is Wikipedia’s details on the show: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_Detective_(TV_series)

I have never, in all my years of watching movies, television, theatre, or reading books, have ever come across a character like Rust that spoke to me on so many levels.  I truly identify with this character, and I am shocked, more than anyone, that I am even writing this blog. I am obsessed with Rust, and have rediscovered things about myself or about the world that I either have forgotten, set aside, or never noticed in the first place.  That’s a pretty damn big thing to say about a tv show. 

I am thankful for this show.  It tells me that somewhere, out there, someone gets it.  They may not agree with it, but all I ask is that you get it.  This gives me a renewed sense of determination to continue on my own path and to not let anyone or anything stop me.  And that path is knowing what I want.  After I figure that out (if I ever do), I have a whole other path to walk on. 

Thanks Rust.

You’re my new influence and I am cool with a fictional character of an 8 episode show to be just that.

 

Chilling on a Thursday Afternoon

Just tried out a vinyasa class at Veera Yoga the other day.  I liked it.  Chill vibe, and the fact that it is very close to my job makes it very convenient.  I am going to a Yin class tonight.  Today is my one day off, so everything I have done has been super chill and relaxing.  I think the Yin class will fit right in.  I also got a pedicure today which Frank’s mom paid for, and it was GREAT.  Very relaxing!  Also picked up a pair of yoga pants from PINK.  I had a $10 reward to use… I can see why my Athleta/Lucy/Lululemon yoga pants cost so much… These yoga pants were originally priced $35, and personally I don’t think they are truly worth more than $20, but I needed a second pair of long yoga pants, so eff it.

Apparently Lululemon is discontinuing their beloved Scuba hoodie and are replacing it with the new Scuba version called Scuba hoodie Stretch.  Not surprisingly, the new version is hated.  I love my Scuba.  It was the first Lululemon thing I ever bought, and though it wasn’t cheap, it is worth every penny.  Of course it isn’t black or grey… It is a heathered lavender.  I like the color, but I don’t love it.  However, it is the best hoodie design ever, and I LOVE the design.  Maybe I will dye it.  Yes… I think I might 🙂  The Misfits patch I sewed onto the back is too dark and square for such a light colored hoodie… Oh well.  I will take it off and then dye my Scuba when I get the $$$ to do so.  Which… won’t be for another week or so.  Or maybe I won’t dye it.  But the patch has to come off.  Or not.

Dropped off my bean today for its FINAL length adjustment.  Since I am like the tides, having two different lengths to choose from will be best.  I will have it at 18″ and at 15.5″ so that I can wear it any way that I feel like.  I also dropped off some Christmas coffee for my Tiffany buddy; it was good to see her, she is usually terribly busy so at least we got a chance to connect for a few minutes.

Trying to just be chill about life.  It is so easy to slip into my anger mode… I just need to let it go.  There is nothing I can do at this moment to change my station in life, so I should just try to maximise and enjoy.

I have to be up early tomorrow, so it is already too late to have another cup of coffee.  Damn.

Since Frank’s parents are visiting us, there is no extra room for me to hang out in so that I don’t wake Frank up tomorrow morning.  Damn.

Well I am going to take a nap upstairs, which probably isn’t a good idea either, but I am sleepy and eff it I don’t care.

 

 

 

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