passages

the past two months have been emotionally grueling ones.  i am forever changed, and i wonder how this change will lead me.  

i have been retreating from my haven of yoga. i feel like, as much as i love my studio, i need to be somewhere new, to start fresh, to feel revitalized. my love affair with yoga is dwindling. i realize now that it isn’t yoga’s fault, but mine. i expected so much. but now…  i just don’t feel like doing anything. i only go to yoga when it is convenient. i just cannot afford the gas, and i really wish that there was a studio in lincoln besides that damn bikram. i am trying to incorporate running, but that isn’t going too well, because of my damn knee. i need to at least go for a walk everyday, i need to do something active everyday, and it isn’t happening.

back to basics.

our home is so quiet now. too quiet. it creeps me out to not hear the noises that i grown to expect and feel comforted by. there is no reason to rush home, and after 20 years of doing just that, the change is huge, and i am really unsettled by it. i don’t know what to do with myself. 

 

 

Tomorrow

I don’t know about you, but i like tradition. 

Maybe it doesn’t matter to you, but i like having holidays off and spending them with my loved ones. I absolutely do not enjoy working holidays. Not one bit.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And, i am working. How sad. Granted, we have limited hours of operation tomorrow, so i guess its not so bad. And when i get off of work, my boyfriend and i are going to a friend’s home for thanksgiving dinner. Someone i havent seen since may, so it is going to be alot of catch up time. So its not so bad.

I want to extend my sympathies to anyone that is working tomorrow. Also, i want to extend my sympathies to those that have to work black friday. The greediness of those that want to buy stuff 5pm on Thanksgiving (i am looking at you, Toys R Us) is thoroughly repugnant and i will refrain from purchasing anything on Thanksgiving, or quite possibly on black friday, for that matter. 

However you choose to spend your Thanksgiving, i hope you enjoy it. 🙂 

the beauty of grey

i stopped dyeing my hair about two months ago. i have alot of grey, more than i realized. i have been dyeing my hair black for nearly ten years. though i love it, i want to try a lighter shade but i want to grow out as much black as possible, so that i can color it myself and not pay $300 because that is ridiculous. i am just curious as to how long it is going to take.

 

the holidays are upon us

whether we like it or not, the holidays are here.

i am going to try something different this year.

i am still going to stay within the tradition of gift giving, that much is for sure. i will be more aware of my gift giving choices; i really want to buy locally, but that might be a bit hard. i am going to do my best and hopefully each year take one step away from the chains to take one step closer to support the local crafters.

but i want to give my time. i want be keep being nice, to not get mad at the retail onslaught that seems to dominate the holiday season. i want to give my time to my loved ones, and to give my time to strangers. this holiday i will be working three jobs. one is at my yoga studio, which is more of a haven for me as opposed to a job. i will be working at my usual coffee hangout, and also a jewelry shop. it will be interesting. i hope that i will have some time for everyone.

i am going to start a drive at all of the places where i work, asking for blankets/sleeping bags and toilet paper. once i have collected as much as i can, i am going to donate it to our local homeless shelter.

so if you are reading this, this is what i want from you for christmas.

i am in. 100%.

the other day, frank and i hashed it out about me. for the umpteenth time, i was carrying on about how much i disliked my appearance, how i wasn’t losing any weight… so on and so forth.

http://youtu.be/XpaOjMXyJGk

he suggested that possibly my diet was to blame, and that i should consider going back to eating meat. i was so upset by his statement that i yelled about the importance of being a vegetarian and how abhorrent i find it to eat flesh.

because it is horrific to me.

but now that i have had some time to think it over, i realize that though i think that my diet is perfect, it is far from it. too many carbs. too much sugar. fake sugar. not enough protein and greens. i spent some time at the bookshop today, and i discovered a few books that i will pick up and use. hopefully. i wonder if frank knew what impact of what he said and how it was going to affect me all along.

i am going to drag my juicer back out. i am going to buy a proper blender. i am going to start toting along a veg cookbook when i go food shopping so that i can shop smart. food ( and maybe some more yoga pants) is going to be my top priority.

i am going to give it 100%, and i cannot fail.

i will not give up on being a vegetarian. not until i have done everything in my knowledge to eat the right way for me.

i’m walkin’ here!

i set out for a jog/walk that also incorporated a couple of tasks, such as depositing some money into the bank and picking up food for my day gecko.

i am disappointed at how annoying drivers are when it comes to pedestrians.  i use crosswalks, i use the walk/don’t walk sign, i wave “thanks” to you while i am crossing… why can’t you do your part and wait for me to cross?  is it that hard? i understand that maybe you had a bad day, that you might just want to get home or maybe you just want to get out of town for a bit… but that doesn’t excuse your poor behavior.

everytime a car sees me and shoots out so that they don’t have to wait for me, i make it a point to try to catch their eye and i throw my hands up. yes, i saw you. i was crossing tonight (in a crosswalk) and noticed (i waited for the WALK light) that a work truck saw me and graciously waited while i crossed. i heard a impatient BEEP and noticed the sedan behind the truck. i stopped at the other side after the truck allowed me to safely cross and i stared her down. she saw me.

 

i’ll take that, thanks

Slogging away at work, as the time approaches I clock off and plop into my car, tired and sorta blanking out.

before i clocked on today, i noticed a few posts on a certain social website and for some reason it ticked me off.  then i felt stupid for getting ticked off and realized that i need to reorganize the order of my priorities.

i always seem to get into the bad habit of negative thinking. i am tired of it quite frankly. i guess it happens because i want/expect things to go one way, and when they don’t, it upsets me and my day is ruined. though my life isn’t exactly what i had wanted/expected, its not bad. not bad at all.

i have a job, though i can’t exactly live the high life on the pay, it does get the bills paid and the work environment, though grueling in terms of the physical aspect, is very socially fun with my coworkers. i also work a second job that i get paid in free unlimited yoga as well as a discount on lululemon. i am also going to be picking up a third job, for the holidays only, that will provide a different environment for me to learn and grow, and also give me a discount on jewelry that i like to wear. so i guess my jobs aren’t that bad.

i have nice things. i can’t afford them. i stopped myself from buying anymore things that i can’t afford a few months ago (took me years to realize that I could not continue to spend money i don’t have) and i enjoy what i have and now graciously accept  preloved items my family (who would say no to louis vuitton handbags and cartier jewelry?) when they offer them to me.

sure, i need to lose weight, but i am doing what i can about that. sure, i need a better job. that is also in the works. sure, i am too far away from my family, but frank and i are making plans to move back when we can.

one day at a time in recapturing positivity.

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